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Seven Deadly Types of Job Recruiters

Get them all out!

For six months in search of work, I talked to recruiters every day. I have been contacted or contacted by at least 100 recruiters. Although there are some good ones, I found most of them just weird. I’ve compiled a ranking of the most notorious cranks to help you decide what type to deal with. Unfortunately, I speak from my own experience and have met all these guys. If the recruiter you are dealing with has any of the following characteristics… Run!

  1. Broken English-speaking recruiter

Characteristics:

Leave indecipherable messages on your device in broken English or English with a strong accent.
Please send emails that say something like “Please send a resume when I feel comfortable about a better job!”
It’s impossible to pronounce your usual American name when you call yourself.
If you get this recruiter:
Have fun. Imagine you don’t speak English either.

If you are this recruiter:

Go! You barely speak English, you can’t say my name, and you can’t leave a clear message on my car. I know you’re trying to work, but so am I. Do you really think I agree to be represented by you?

  1. Recruiter with little attention

Characteristics:

Sends you an email that doesn’t contain any job information, only that it looks “appropriate.”
When you call back, it doesn’t show anything at all, for what task it called you.
Don’t introduce yourself in his first letter.
Call you three different names on the first call.
Sending you potential customers to a job that has nothing to do with your qualifications.
Leave you a message about any work on your car. Dial the number again and leave a similar message about the same task, but refer to yourself under a different name.

If you get this recruiter:
Don’t answer their emails or phone calls. When he calls you back, say, “Who are you and what else did you want?”

If you are this recruiter:

Dude, drink Red Bull, hold on tight or make some jumps… Beware of the screams! We’re not so desperate.

  1. Recruiter “obsessive job salesman”

Characteristics:

Try to persuade yourself to find a job that takes more than an hour to work.
Trying to find a lower-paying job because it’s a “great opportunity for you.”
Send yourself short authoritative emails (usually in capital letters) asking (without request) to call it “as soon as possible.”
Call by 8 a.m.
Try to convince yourself that the salary you are looking for is consistent with the job you are looking for if you work 50 hours a week because “overtime will allow you to get exactly what you want”.
Treats you as if you are desperate and wasting your time.
If he talks to you, he’ll shorten your name to what you were called when you were 10 years old.
If you get this recruiter:
High head! Put your foot on the ground and don’t let it convince you that it doesn’t suit you. If you like it, add “bo,” “o-reno” or “star” at the end of its name (e.g. “Jimbo,” “Jim-o-reno” or “Jimster”).

If you are this recruiter:

There are Buick dealers who desperately need you.

  1. Derivative recruiter

Characteristics:

She interrupts you to shout at your children or dogs in the background without apologizing and asking you to persevere.
Asks to call him on his mobile and continues to talk to you while he eats, drives a car or stands in line at Burger King.
Sending you emails with a mysterious or vague theme, such as “Ask 9955,” “Looking for…” or “a question-and-answer from John Smith.”
Constantly loses the course of thought, discussing with you “open position.”
Asks what job you’re looking for and asks her again in ten minutes, as if she doesn’t ask you at all.
You will get a call in the morning if you have repeatedly told them that the best time to communicate with you is “after 3.”

If you get this recruiter:
Interrupt her with a cry of “No … Thread… pendants!” to their imaginary children or dogs, and then gently say, “I’m sorry, they never listen.” Forget it. You’ll be luckier with your 3-year-old son as a recruiter.

If you are this recruiter:

Whatever. You probably don’t read this anymore.

  1. Stalker

Characteristics:

Calls 10 times a day and leaves no messages, but hangs in the answering machine for 30 seconds.
Send an email or leave a message asking them to explain why you’re not calling him back.
After you have rejected the position several times, send yourself an email to let you know that it is still open.
Adds you to your weekly mailing list.
Calls you every day since he first contacted you “to get to base.”
He said, “I’m so sick of you ignoring my calls.”
If you get this recruiter:
Oh. Go carefully. Don’t answer the phone. If you need to, lie down and tell him that you are no longer in the market because you are moving or getting another job. If that doesn’t help, make sure you always have a gun with you.

If you are this recruiter:

For reference, the author of this article is an extremely heavy and easily irritated man who lives in Nova Scotia and earns his living by cutting whale bones.

  1. Unscrupulous recruiter

Characteristics:

Asks the number of your friends and colleagues so that they too can be hired.
Tells you that the contract is eight weeks, and that’s four weeks.
Email yourself a blank template for the organizational chart and ask you to enter the names of your managers and their managers.
He says he can give you the rate or salary you’re looking for, but when it comes time to sign up, he’ll back up his back and swear he’s told you he “maybe can.”
If you get this recruiter:
Give him an inch and you gave him a mile. Squeezed lips. If you want to have fun, with all the seriousness you are capable of, send her a block scheme first with God, then with your mother, and then with you.

If you are this recruiter:

Hi, slug … Richard Nixon called. He wants his M.O back.

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